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Funny Wedding Readings

A MARRIAGE MADE FOR TWO

A successful marriage can learn a lot from bicycle riding. You should promise each other that you will not be fair weather riders, but venture out together in the wind and the rain.

Only by braving the storms as a team will you reap the rewards when the sunshine arrives. Look after each other. A well oiled bike will run smoothly and change gear easily. Marriage is like a tandem…keep pedalling or the one at the front shouts at you! You should promise each other to not only enjoy new adventures and explorations, but appreciate the same old routes you know and love. Marriage is a promise to each other to endure the climbs so that you may chase the swoops and swerves of perfect single track. The journey may be long and may have hills ahead, but if you climb together with love and passion, you will be able to achieve everything you both desire! Wishing you all the best from the start line of the greatest endurance event of your lives. Good luck and may each lap be a great adventure.




MARRIAGE IS NOT BEAUTIFUL

Marriage is ugly, you see the absolute worst in someone.

You see them when they’re mad, sad, being stubborn, when they’re so unloveable they make you scream.

But you also get to see them when they are laughing so hard that tears run down their face, and they can’t help but let out those weird gargling noises.

You see them at 3am when the world is asleep except you two, and you’re eating in the middle of the kitchen floor.

You get to see the side of them that no one else does, and its not always pretty.

It’s snorting when laughing, it’s the tears when it feels like it’s all crashing down, it’s the farting, it’s the beadhead and bad breath, it’s the random dances, it’s the anger and the joy.

Marriage isn’t a beautiful thing, but it is amazing.

It’s knowing that someone loves you so much, and won’t leave you even though you said something nasty.

It’s having someone to have your back, no matter what. It’s fights over stupid things, like someone not doing the dishes or picking up after themselves.

And it’s those nights you fall asleep in each others’ arms, feeling like there will never be enough time with them.

It’s cleaning up their dirty washing, it’s rubbing their back when they’re sick. It’s the dirtiest, hardest, most rewarding job there is.

Because at the end of the day, you get to crawl into bed with your best friend – the weirdest, most annoying, loving, goofy, perfect person that you know.

Marriage is not beautiful, but it’s one heaven of a journey.



MARRIAGE IS MADNESS

Marriage is about giving and taking

And forgiving and forsaking

Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving

Caring and Sharing and screaming and swearing

About being together whatever the weather

About being driven to the end of your tether

About Sweetness and kindness

And wisdom and blindness

It's about being strong when you're feeling quite weak

It's about saying nothing when you're dying to speak

It's about being wrong when you know you are right

It's about giving in, before there's a fight

It's about you two living as cheaply as one

(you can give us a call if you know how that's done!)

Never heeding advice that was always well meant

Never counting the cost until it's all spent

And for you two today it's about to begin

And for all that the two of you had to put in

Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness

Too late you'll discover that marriage is madness.



HE NEVER LEAVES THE SEAT UP


He never leaves the seat up Or wet towels upon the floor The toothpaste has the lid on And he always shuts the door! She says she loves his kindness And his patience is a must And of course she thinks he’s handsome Which in her eyes is a plus! He’s a very active person Exercise is just the ticket Where as she likes lazy days He’ll drag her to the cricket! He romances her and dines her Home cooked dinners and the like He even knows her favourite food And spoils her day and night! She’s thoughtful when he looks at her A smile upon his face Will he look that good in 50 years When his dentures aren’t in place?! He says he loves her figure And her mental prowess too But when gravity takes her over Will she charm with her IQ? They’re both not wholly perfect But who are we to judge He can be quite stubborn And she won’t even budge! All that said and done They love the time they spent together And I hope as I’m sure you do That this fine day will last forever. He’ll be more than just her husband He’ll also be her friend And she’ll be more than just his wife She’s be his soul mate ‘till the end. This poem for ****** & ******** A married couple now Is a token of the love they share And the thought behind each vow.




TEDDY BEAR

Getting married means you'll have Someone's hand to hold, Even when you're feeling sick, Even when you're old. It means when you sit down to eat, Someone will be there, So you won't have to tell your day To an empty chair. It means that you can have some kids Just like a mom and dad, And play with them all afternoon, Except when they are bad. It means that when you need some help, Someone will help out, Someone always near to you So you won't have to shout. But best of all is when it's time To turn out all the lights: You won't have to be alone Those long and scary nights. So even though you don't have toys, You don't have to care: Once you're married you can be Each other's teddy bear




A LOVELY LOVE STORY by Edward Monkton The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, HIS cage. Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur. The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur's cage with kind words and loving thoughts. I like this Dinosaur, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny. He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now. I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice. She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur. But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. He is also overly fond of Things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of Things? But her mind skips from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on Shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping? I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for Things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual. I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thought and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either. Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them. Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs. And that, my friends, is how it is with love. Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together. For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place.


WEDDINGS ARE NICE

If you go to a wedding, here’s what it means No one wears trainers and no one wears jeans Your best new clothes are all that you wear And everyone in your whole family is there

Even some cousins that you’ve never known And the grown-ups all say “Oh, how much you have grown!” So everyone’s sitting in one big room (except (Name & Name), the bride and groom)


Then all of a sudden things quieten down And music starts playing and people turn round And really slowly, (Bride) walks in And she’s prettier now than she’s ever been.


She’s a bride and she’s really great looking today (when normally she looks just kind of okay) She walks in and stands with her dad for a while As (Groom) her boyfriend, awaits in the aisle

His hair is all combed and he’s wearing a tie And then (Bride’s) mum starts to sniffle and cry.

And now it comes time for the “get-married” part The Celebrant says that we’re ready to start

So she talks and she talks about serious things Then their friend (Bestman) steps up holding two rings He gives one to the groom and the other to the bride Then the bridesmaid, (Bridesmaid) pulls him aside.


Then (Bride & Groom) kind of look at each other And another big sniffle comes from (Bride’s) mother And (Bride & Groom) put on the wedding rings And they talk and they promise each other some things

They promise that they’ll love each other a lot And help one another no matter what And be with each other the rest of their life Then the Celebrant says “Now you are husband and wife”.


Then everyone’s in such a big happy mood And you go to a party with very much food Where you dance with some grown-ups and drink some wine And then do a conga-dance in one long line

‘till (Bride & Groom) drive off in a car and everyone’s thinking how happy they are

So we all yell goodbye, and throw handfuls of rice

Then the whole thing is over. Weddings are nice




LOVE IS LIKE OWNING A DOG By Tyler Mali

First of all, it’s a big responsibility, especially in a city like (Dublin). So think long and hard before deciding on love. On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security: when you’re walking down the street late at night and you have a leash on love, ain’t no one going to mess with you. Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable. Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm. It lies between you and lives and breathes and makes funny noises. Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs. It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long. But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life, but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! Love can be bad. ‘Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.’

Love makes messes. Love leaves you little surprises here and there. Love needs lots of cleaning up after. Sometimes you just want to get love fixed. Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper and swat love on the nose, not so much to cause pain, just to let love know ‘Don’t you ever do that again!’

Sometimes love just wants to go out for a nice long walk. Because love loves exercise.

It will run you around the block and leave you panting, breathless.

Pull you in different directions at once, or wind itself around and around you until you’re all wound up and you cannot move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go. People who have nothing in common but love, stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back, again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it. And in return, love loves you and never stops.





OH THE PLACE YOU’LL GO Dr. Seuss

Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to great places! You’re off and away! You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the couple who’ll decide where to go. You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care. About some you will say, “We don’t choose to go there.” With your heads full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down, any not-so-good street. And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air, Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too. Oh the places you'll go! You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sights! You’ll join the high fliers who soar to great heights! You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have all the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang, and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. Except when you don’t. Because sometimes, you won’t. You’ll get mixed up of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with so many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with great care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.) Kids, you'll move mountains! So, be your name Buxbaum or Dowrie or Bass or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So … get on your way!




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